What I Wanted to Say
by MichaelaKay
Summary: Jason and Carly have a secret that Balkan has discovered and plans to use against them.  They must face their past and fuse it with their present.
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any characters nor do I own GH.

* * *

My heart pounded and my knees fell weak. The chirps and beeps of the machines numbed the nerves that began to quiver. I could feel everything inside of me silence. My heart stopped pounding, my stomach stopped turning and my muscles stopped shaking. All I could feel were my knees falling to the cold tile.

Hands grabbed at my shoulders, each one pulling me. I grappled for air, while my hands barely were able to keep me up. All I could hear were the slurs of screaming and echoes of crying. I couldn't hear anything but the heart inside me breaking.

_"Jason….Would you like to say goodbye?"_

* * *

**10 DAYS PRIOR.**

**MONDAY.**

The car's motor hummed, the radio lightly played a station it had come pre-programmed with. The snow began to fall against my windshield, forcing me to squint through the gaps. A figure in the distance appeared, the only shadow in the blur of white. Drawing in a long deep breath I pulled the keys from the ignition and stepped out of my car.

Curls of dirty-blonde fell underneath the white knitted hat, her black coat accented against her white knitted mittens. And with jeans and winter boots, she stood before me. For a moment, I closed my eyes and tried to imagine the last time I felt this complete, and nothing came to mind. I opened my eyes again to find her smiling at me sweetly. We took a few steps towards each other before she leaned into me, her arms wrapping around my neck and her body against mine.

"I'm happy you're here." She whispered into my shoulder.

I patted her head gently with one hand while my other rested on her back, "Me too."

I grabbed the suitcase and backpack she had dropped in the snow and put it in the back of my SUV. She hopped in the front seat, while I took the seat behind the wheel. It felt right having her beside me and knowing I was bringing her back to Port Charles, back _home. _We drove for hours, only stopping a few times. It was oddly nice to see her feet on the dashboard and her eyes fluttering in midst of a dream. And when she was awake she told me all about school, about her friends, asked questions about Port Charles and forced me to play car games. I wouldn't play car games for anyone else. It was midnight when we finally pulled into town. The streets were lit from the lights above while the roads were covered in snow. It was empty, bare. Just the darkness to fill its entity. I pulled into the garage and woke her from her slumber. We walked into the lobby and rode the elevator to the fourteenth floor. Immediately as we stepped out, we faced about ten guards. I nodded at them collectively, unlocking the door and placing her bags on the floor.

She stepped into the penthouse tentatively, only moving a foot enough for the door to shut. She examined the place from corner to corner. Her eyes dipped through the crevices and each photo on the mantel. I took off my coat, asked for hers and hung them up in the closet. When I turned around she had moved her way to the couch. Her hands on her knees, she fumbled with the ring on her finger.

"So…this is where you live." Her eyes looked up at mine.

"Yeah, this is it. It's not much…" I sat in the chair across from her and put a foot on the coffee table.

"Why won't you tell me what I'm doing here? Why did you have to pull me out of school, and why aren't I spending winter break with Uncle Peter?" Her eyes began to collect moisture. I leaned forward, reaching out for her hands.

"You trust me, don't you?"

"…Yeah."

"Then just trust me." After a moment, she nodded. I clapped my hands together and rose to my feet. "Okay, let's get you settled in. Your room is upstairs."

I showed her to the "regrettably pink room". Spinelli agreed that for the meantime he would stay with Maxie. She placed her suitcases on the floor and looked at me in the doorway. Leaving her to unpack and get to sleep, I shut her door with the greatest securities. Fifteen years ago I gave a large part of my heart and life away, willingly. To finally have her back is like finally being able to breathe again. I felt like my head was being forced under water for so long, and after so long I pulled my head above water, my heart was filled with relief and I'm still just trying to catch my breath.

There was a lot left I needed to tell her, Sam and Carly. There were secrets I couldn't hide any longer. But having her in my eyesight and protection allowed me an advantage I never had before. Everything else would need to come in a step at a time.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Hey everyone! I'm home for winter break, seem to have some time on my hands this idea spinning in my mind. I love Carly and Jason, everything about them and their friendship. And instead of the nonsense with Brenda and Dante's baby I decided that Carly and Jason will have a baby. The times of how/where she was born may seem a little out there, but I'm hoping it will slide by because I love this idea/story! Please **REVIEW**! Thanks!


	2. Chapter 2

That night I gave birth to my first baby girl, I was in the infirmary of the mental institute. It all happened so fast I had no time to rush to the hospital. The doctor on-call there slapped on a pair of gloves and got the necessary tools he would need. It took three pushes, and there she was, my beautiful, sweet, gentle little girl. The doctor cut her umbilical cord and placed her in my arms. While I held her, all I thought about was how I looked. I worried that my hair was too frizzy or my face was too sweaty for her to recognize me. At that time, I didn't know if I would ever see her again. I didn't know if the first day I met her was the last day I would see her, and I hated the thought that I looked my absolute worst. I wanted her to remember her mother as beautiful and strong.

"We got back last night."

"No problems on the ride home?" My fingers pushed her hair from her face.

"None…" I kissed the top of her head and rose to my feet. Jason beckoned me to follow him.

My head began to ache, and intuitively Jason handed me a bottle of water and the container of Aspirin. I sat on the couch and looked at the bags of clothes sitting on the floor beside the closet. Her stay wasn't permanent, but it was definitely sinking in that she was actually here.

"So, what did you tell her?"

"That I wanted to see her."

"And what did you tell her when she called you on that bull crap?"

"…I asked her to trust me." I laughed lightly, kicking my feet up on the coffee table and sinking further into the couch.

There are few things that I can count on in life. I know that no matter the situation, I will find a way to put a roof over my kids' heads and food on the table. I know that I cannot make it through a day without some form of cheesy-deliciousness, and I know that regardless of where we are in life Jason will always save me. If there is one thing you can ever count on, it's Jason.

We made that decision sixteen years ago to give our daughter a better life. Even though we signed over papers, we never ended our feelings. We loved her like any other parent would. We sent Christmas presents every year, cards on Valentine's Day and Easter baskets on Easter, and once a year we would pick her up for an entire weekend to celebrate her birthday. We weren't her mom and dad, but we were a part of her life.

"So, what's next? You have one month before she needs to go back to school. Do you think you can find Franco in time?"

"I have no choice." We both nodded in a mutual understanding.

Sitting in his penthouse with our daughter sleeping upstairs and the two of us under one roof, I began to bask in the possibility of "what could have been". Life would have been very different if we kept our little girl. We might have tried to work things out and be together, raise Michael and Britton together. But I wouldn't have a Morgan and I wouldn't have Jax and Josslyn.

"So, does Sam know about our little secret?"

Jason and Sam's relationship was very different. Apparently the talked to each other, but I rarely saw that happen, so these conversations must happen behind closed doors. But they didn't seem like they fully knew each other, not like I know Jason. She doesn't know that he has a daughter. She doesn't know that when he signed over his rights, he held her in his arms and cried. She had no idea the pain he lived with every day. She didn't understand him the way I do.

"It's none of your business, but yes Sam knows about Britton."

"And what does she think? I assume she thinks I'm a bigger whore than before. She also probably thinks that I held a gun to your head while you signed her away."

People in Port Charles judged me for having Michael with AJ, but asking Jason to raise him. And they disapproved when I asked Sonny to be Michael's legal father. They hated my relationship with Sonny and the fact that I had a son with him. They despised my relationship with Jax and that I dare run a business with him. And most people loathed my tacticts of raising my kids. They'll have a field day when they learn that I had a daughter and gave her up while I was in Ferncliffe.

"She understands why we did it."

I nodded and grabbed the beer on the coffee-table, throwing back a swig. He shook his head and grabbed the bottle from my hand.

"It is ten in the morning, chief…Slow it down."

We sat across from each other, looking at each other and then looking at the clock. She definitely was a typical teenager. After the clock finally hit eleven I took the initiative and walked upstairs to see her still sleeping. Her legs were now thrown out of the covers and her head was buried under the pillow. I gently lifted the pillow up and saw her eyes clench tighter.

I kissed her cheek gently and ran my hand over her face. "Wake up, baby, come on!" I opened her shade and let the light flood in.

"Oh my God….I cannot believe you just did that." She reached for her pillow, but I threw it over in the corner and sat down beside her.

"Hello to you too, Britton-Grace."

"I'm sorry. I am really not a morning person."

She lifted her arms in the air and pulled me into a hug. The smell of her coconut lime shampoo hung in the air, as I leaned in and kissed the side of her head.

"I missed you." She said softly.

"I know kiddo, I've missed you too."

Holding her the first time, and holding her every time after that felt the same. I held her tight and with as much love as I could, not knowing when it would be the last time I would see her.


End file.
